I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
