I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
