its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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