Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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