Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
