Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I smell stomach acid.
is wine microwaveable?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
