You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize