i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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