Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
