just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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