Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize