I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
