I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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