I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
