my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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