It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
