I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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