There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
