I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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