i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize