so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
