wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
