see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize