She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
