Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
