found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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