He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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