I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
