Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
my liver is dry heaving
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
