watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
