worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
