he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize