I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
