i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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