the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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