Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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