your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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