Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
