I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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