I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
