and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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