so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
