if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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