i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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