Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
