I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
