Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
