so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
