We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
