Got a toothbrush?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
