I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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