Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
