I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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