We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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