Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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