I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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