Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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