I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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