Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
