You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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